Wish You Were Here

I’ve landed on my feet – literally and metaphorically. You don’t need to go to the local Champneys Tring Spa establishment and fork out a lot of dosh for pampering – just follow my advice. You won’t be disappointed.

The Local Hospice

For the last week I have been enjoying a life of luxury, living like a decadent Roman Emperor surrounded by ‘Vestal Virgins’ who supplied my every need. They fed, washed, dressed, and did everything to make me comfortable and happy. I enjoyed all their ministrations. It was difficult at first but when you are treated with dignity, respect and compassion all inhibitions fade away – like when I was in the wet room, in my birthday suit, being hosed down by a kindly nurse. Oooo Matron.

The ‘Vestal Virgins’of course, are all those dedicated palliative care nurses at the local Hospice. Earlier I mentioned money, but there are no charges here. On that score the fee is whether you have a nasty disease or not. I reckon that I am definitely over qualified.

Detecting Doctor

There are also three wise men working in this exceptional establishment and I met one of those doctors on my first day. During our discussion I happened to mention metal detecting. All talk about medical matters ceased from then on and I was bombarded with questions about the hobby.

Metal detectors are no longer the remit of middle-aged men wearing khaki and camouflage. Today, a wide demographic is taking part in swinging – including doctors and city workers who value getting out in the fresh air away from their stuffy offices.
Picture shows a Garrett ACE 400i Metal Detector

James (not his real name) told me that detecting was something he’d always wanted to try. What followed was the usual ’newbie’ questions detectorists will find familiar. l think we have a new recruit. In addition to the verbal introduction I have promised to bring magazines and books the next time I attend the Day Hospice. “Have you emptied your bowels today?” he queried as he departed. Sounded like an afterthought –I just made that up.

Keep taking the Pill. Cut out the Wine!

Ummmm!

At home Mrs John and I have excellent live-in carers. One of them is determined to do things by the book. For example, the instructions on my new medication advised the user not to drink alcohol, steer away from cars and don’t operate machinery. I did a little whining [not a lot] and binged for many weeks on the finest lemonade. I was literally Schwepped off my feet. I could be addicted and don’t know it!

You’ll be familiar with similar words on your own medication. I have it on good authority that similar instructions appear on/in most pill boxes. The manufacturers have to ’cover’ themselves for every eventuality. No kidding! One of the leaflets said, right at the end, ’In the event of death, please consult your GP’. Sick humour that made me laugh.

My Hero

It would be wrong to infer, instead of medical matters, that James and I talked about metal detecting all the time. One of the good things that came out of the conversation was, after relating the story about lemonade instead of wine, he reviewed my medication and said there was no reason I shouldn’t have an aperitif with my evening meal – and signed to that effect. The carer was pleased and I was ecstatic. Status Quo, then.

At the Hospice hat evening I was surprised to find a small bottle of Pinot with my dinner . . . and subsequent evenings also. My hero even made a note of this on my discharge papers.

 Pinot Grigio is the safe, default wine for me – I don’t like anything too weird or challenging. The other reason Pinot is my wine of choice is because I can say it. A Verdicchio Castelli di Jesi just doesn’t roll off my tongue, yet Pinot Grigio is easy to say. What a puerile statement, John

In Mitigation

I went along with the carer’s decision . She was only doing what she thought was right. If anything had happened to me, alcohol could be blamed, there would be an investigation and she could be sacked.

On the other hand I am 81 and my days are much the same. Keeping a blog is just a displacement activity – I should really be sorting out my affairs. Bugger that! I don’t smoke, go out to the pub with the lads or have many visitors. Sex is just a distant memory. Give the old git an aperitif, man!

This appealed to my sense of humour. I may have shown you before.
It deserves a second outing

16 thoughts on “Wish You Were Here

    1. IN REPLY TO RAY
      It’s good to read that your still being well looked after.
      If your very sick or very old here in Oz the Government will provide funds to keep you home rather than in aged care.

      Thank you,Ray.
      Th same applies here, but your assets are considered.
      I won’t get help until my life-savings are depleted.

      Like

  1. I love your humour John.. it makes my day to chuckle at your jokes and uplifting look an life .. Many folks could learn patience from you

    As for me… like your sex [more on that later], my prohibited item is alcohol.. basically any form of it.. so Alcohol is a distant memory for me .. Not that I ever drank much.. but I used to enjoy a nice glass of red wine… but after a while, it became a chore.. so on the doctors recommendation [read that as strongly advised], I stopped.. Having only 3/4 of a kidney does get to be old at times.. LOL

    I am so pleased that you are being well taken care of.. our intention is still to try to make it over this year… but what with medical issues, .. well you know….. but we shall see

    As to sex… standard old joke.. “It has been so long since I had sex, I forget who gets tied up first”.. LOL.. [Delete if this is a bit too risque, please

    Best to you

    Micheal

    Liked by 1 person

    1. IN REPLY TO MICHEAL

      I love your humour John.. it makes my day to chuckle at your jokes and uplifting look an life .. Many folks could learn patience from you

      As for me… like your sex [more on that later], my prohibited item is alcohol.. basically any form of it.. so Alcohol is a distant memory for me .. Not that I ever drank much.. but I used to enjoy a nice glass of red wine… but after a while, it became a chore.. so on the doctors recommendation [read that as strongly advised], I stopped.. Having only 3/4 of a kidney does get to be old at times.. LOL

      I am so pleased that you are being well taken care of.. our intention is still to try to make it over this year… but what with medical issues, .. well you know….. but we shall see

      As to sex… standard old joke.. “It has been so long since I had sex, I forget who gets tied up first”.. LOL.. [Delete if this is a bit too risque, please

      IN REPLY TO MICHEAL
      I didn’t think I was funny and I do feel for you. Let’s hope we all make it thru to next year. Thank you for your UNDELETED POST.

      Like

    1. Can you get the Pinot on prescription? Just asking for a friend.

      IN REPLY TO IAN

      Send your friend to me. I’ll sort him/her out.
      Thanks for the comment and the sterling work you do as proof-reader.

      Like

  2. Yep Some doctors do have a sense of humour
    I went to see my Dr the other day and he said to me
    go over to the window and stick tour tongue out
    why i said he replied i dont like the man who lives there
    Take all your clothes off he told me where shall i put them
    on top of mine he said ….. Thanks for the chuckle John .. Love the Pino more

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep Some doctors do have a sense of humour
      I went to see my Dr the other day and he said to me
      go over to the window and stick tour tongue out
      why i said he replied i dont like the man who lives there
      Take all your clothes off he told me where shall i put them
      on top of mine he said ….. Thanks for the chuckle John .. Love the Pino more

      REPLY TO GARY

      Your jokes are pitiful Gary, but I like a trier!

      Like

    1. A well earned pampering John and a great account of the nursing staff friendly approach.
      Keep at it.

      IN REPLY TO RANDY
      Thank you, Randy. I hope you never get tired with my posts.
      I hope you have a better year.

      Like

    1. I will certainly have a word with Heather! a world without alcohol , what planet is she on?

      IN REPLY TO JAMIE
      Heather is just a young lass and has a lot to learn in some areas.
      She was doing what she thought was right.
      Please don’t chastise her.

      Like

    1. Glad to see you still get a chance to enjoy your favourite tipple.
      It reminds of “The Man from Del Monte, he says Yes!”.
      I often wonder where old blogger posts go?

      IN REPLY TO FRANK
      This is my second blog, and all the posts are here. Just do a search.
      The first blog capsized, but Randy had saved some of the posts so I was able to re-vamp
      some of the better posts again.

      I also discovered the WAYBACK MACHINE [ WBM ], a programme that trawls the net
      And I was able to retrieve some of my posts but not all.
      http://web.archive.org/web/sitemap/johnwinter.net

      Like

  3. I APOLOGISE
    There is a fault on my blog which I am unable to fix.
    I have gone on a roundabout and laborious route in order
    to reply to every comment. Sorry.

    Like

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